I Found My Purpose

Dear friends,

I know what I have to do. For the sake of my health. For the sake of my sobriety. I can no longer hide behind a desk and play it small. I have to do what I was born to do. And here it is:

I need to speak to people about my struggles with 

depression, anxiety, trauma, and addiction. 

That it what I was born to do. That is my purpose. 

And it's not because I have a savior-complex (even though a less-than-supportive person in my world said that to me a couple of days ago, but I will forgive her and move on).

I have to speak to people about my struggles with depression, anxiety, trauma, and addiction, because if I don't, I will go back to abusing alcohol, food, and Klonopin, just to get through the day.

I need a career where I can honestly express myself. I need a career where I can be my authentic self. I need a career where I am building relationships and helping the world.

When I was a kid, I didn't realize that I had mental health struggles. I just thought I was dumb, or slow, or over-sensitive. But it was so much more than that. I was a young girl suffering from early on-set anxiety and depression. I believe that my first anxiety attack (at the age of 7!) left me with years of PTSD. And every anxiety attack after that left me with more PTSD.

I didn't have the vocabulary to talk about my emotions. I was too terrified to talk about my emotions. I was terrified OF my emotions!

That's why my calling is to speak to groups about my experiences, throughout my lifetime, and share with them the lessons that I have learned along the way. I want to speak to elementary school children. I want to speak to middle school and high school students. I certainly want to speak to college students (and be honest with them about the mistakes I made because I didn't know how to handle my emotions). I want to talk to them about my reliance on alcohol, drugs, and boys to feel sane. One day, I would also like to speak with businesses about mental health in the workplace.

These are the topics I care about, and these are the gifts I want to share.

To all of the doubters out there - I will be good at this! I will be very good at this! And I will help people so that they don't have to struggle the way I struggled.

When I was 16 years old, a tall, blond, beautiful, Polish girl lived in my home as an exchange student. I was always so jealous of her. I was short, frumpy, and had frizzy brown hair. I wanted to look like her so badly!

Then one day, she gave me the most profound compliment that I had ever received. This tall, blond, beautiful girl told me that SHE was jealous of ME! I immediately refused her compliment and said that she was insane. What would she have to be jealous of? She said, "When you talk, everyone listens. No one listens to me. But everyone in the room stops and listens to you."

As an insecure 16 year-old, I didn't think that was such a great compliment. I just wanted to be tall, blond, and beautiful like her. I thought that I had to be tall, blond, and beautiful to be happy. I thought that all of my problems were based on the fact that I was short and frumpy with huge, frizzy hair.

But 22 years later, I'm just now remembering that compliment. And it scares me. It scares me because it reveals my purpose. And my purpose is to speak to people about the very things that hurt and scared me most in life - depression, anxiety, trauma, and addiction. That it's. That's why I'm here.

Now where I go from here remains to be seen. I will start this new endeavor one step at a time. But I will certainly keep you posted!

Lots of love,
Leila