Tight Throat

Dear friends,

Today's post will be a quick post. I have decided that today will be more of a "reading day" than a "writing day." I firmly believe that reading more will not only improve my writing technique, but it will also inspire new ideas and topics to write about. The following books and publications are on my immediate list of things to read:

• Elizabeth Gilbert's The Signature of All Things 
• Chuck Klosterman's Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs
• A full issue of the Washingtonian magazine
• A full issue of The City Paper

That's just a jumping off point. I've also been reading articles on Twitter all week. Anyway, all this rambling to say that I'm ok with staying in for three (very wet and thunderstorm-y) days in a row this week. As a writer, taking the time to read is just as important as taking the time to write. On dryer and sunnier days, I will do more physical activities. But today (and yesterday, and the day before), I'm ok with staying inside all day and reading. It's a luxury that I haven't enjoyed in a LONG time. Mmm, I'm loving this "Dream Month"!

I just have one concern. For the past two weeks, my throat has felt really tight. Not itchy, scratchy, or sore, just tight. It feels like I was screaming my lungs out at a concert. Except, I haven't been to any concerts lately, and it's felt this way every day for a couple of weeks now.

Eric, my boyfriend, suggested it might be an allergic reaction to Spring pollen. So I bought some Benedryl on Monday. I took two tablets on Monday night. And while I slept like a rock star, my throat didn't ease up.

So today, I was compelled to Google the phrase, "Why does my throat feel tight?" 99% of the Internet answered that question the same way - stress and anxiety. This was news to me. I am not stressed! I am the opposite of stressed! I am a freakin' "Lady of Leisure" these days! How can I possibly be stressed?!

Oh. Right. I did just quit my job. And even though I have saved up substantially, I am currently without income. And my old health insurance ends today. And I don't know when my Obamacare health insurance will kick in. And I am completely uncertain about my future. And I'm lying to my family and completely hiding from them the fact that I have quit my job. And I hate lying (I'm not good at it at all!). And I'm afraid that I'm just an over-grown child who refuses to accept adult responsibility and face the fact that life is supposed to be hard and work is supposed to suck. I mean, what's the point of any of it? Without an 8-hour shift at a dreary office, I find that the days are flying by. I mean, I wake-up with Eric in the morning. Make us both breakfast. We say good-bye. He goes to work. I do some reading. I do some writing. And before I know it, Eric's home, we make dinner, and it's time for bed! Whoa! Where did the day go? Where is life going? Before we know it, it's all going to be over!

Ok. So maybe I do have some unacknowledged stresses and anxieties about the present. And that would completely explain the tight throat that I've had for the past two weeks. But I'm working on it, I really am. I know I haven't left the house to attend a yoga class yet, but I have been meditating for at least 10 minutes every day this week. I even found a lovely and relaxing guided meditation to listen to on YouTube today.

I have to share a quote I found today in one of those "Tight Throat - Anxiety and Stress" online forums. The writer of this comment may not be a native English speaker, but you still get their point: "I have two close friends who experienced this.. they found out it was stress, often compounded with unresolved anger from a feeling of not having a voice.. not able to speak up, feeling no one really listens.. frustration.. lots of emotions can get "stuck" in the throat.. I'm now seeking an emotional healing and practising meditation, more prayer, relaxing... Good luck and hope that helps!"

Maybe I relate to that description more than I care to admit. It seems strange to complain about "not speaking up" and "not having a voice" when I rant and rave on my blog every day. But maybe there is more truth there then I'm willing to admit. Maybe I'm holding back more than I care to admit. Maybe there are some emotions that have gotten stuck in my throat. I don't know what they are today. But maybe they'll come to be tomorrow.

As I so often like to do, I shall wrap-up these musings with a photo of the author. A picture from my London days (for those who don't know, I loved in London from 2010 - 2012). Here's my and Richard Branson, CEO of Virgin Group (we're pals like that).

 

Be well, my friends. Be great.

~Leila

P.S. All your favorite episodes of the Sherman House Webisodes are always free to watch at www.shwebisodes.com. 

Steve Jobs VS. Eckhart Tolle

Dear friends,

It's another rainy day in Columbia Heights. So I have used the weather as an excuse to stay inside (all day!) and soak-up inspiration. I have spent most of the day watching movies about Steve Jobs (creator of Apple Inc.) on Netflix, and watching clips of Eckhart Tolle (author of The Power of Now) on YouTube.

I also did two loads of laundry and made a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch (learn from my mistake, friends, and only use one slice of American cheese on your grilled cheese, as two slices makes it overwhelmingly and un-enjoyably cheesy).

But back to the lessons from Jobs and Tolle. These are two very different men, with polar opposite life philosophies. And I don't know which philosophy I should follow at this point in my life.

If I've learned anything from Steve Jobs, it's that anything is possible and that everything around me was built by people who are no smarter than me. The Jobs philosophy is to be single-mindedly determined to create and innovate. Make something that has never been made before! Create an entirely new way of doing something! Think different. And never give-up. The man never gave-up. Not even when he was fired from the very company that he created.

You don't need me to tell you why and how Steve Jobs changed the world. Watch the movie JOBS, starring Ashton Kutcher. It's currently streaming on Netflix. If you don't know a lot about Jobs or the history of Apple Inc., it's a great introduction to this man and his impact on the world. Or watch the commencement speech that Jobs gave to the 2005 graduating class at Stanford University. No, really, watch it right now! (The irony, of course, is that, if you're reading my blog on an iPhone or iPad, you can't watch this YouTube video, something about Flash or something. So go home and read my blog on your laptop. And watch this video.)

My favorite quote from this speech is, "...you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life."

Jobs ends the speech by telling the graduates, "Stay hungry. Stay foolish."

Inspiring. Beautiful. Life-affirming. It's like Steve Jobs, himself, has personally granted me permission to quit my job, say good-bye to the office life once and for all, and charge forward with my dreams of writing and performing. My family may disapprove of my current life choices, but Steve Jobs approves, 100%!

That's one philosophy. One idea of what one should do with the life they are given. Then there is another, opposite philosophy.

Eckhart Tolle is a spiritual teacher and the author of The Power of Now and A New Earth. Tolle believes that we can be completely free of suffering by simply living in the present moment and completely accepting reality as it is. In his books, Tolle tells us to be conscious of the present moment, to be aware of our feelings and emotions, but to not be overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions. He says that we are not our thoughts and we are not our emotions. We are simply the eternal consciousness that is aware of the thoughts an emotions.

Tolle believes that the ego is the source of all suffering. The ego has certain expectations. The ego wants this or the ego wants that. But the ego is never at peace with what is. The ego is either looking to past for resentment or looking to the future for salvation. But the ego is never at peace with the present moment. So, by being completely present and conscious and focused on the now, we can diminish our ego, and therefore, diminish our suffering.

I will let Eckhart speak for himself. Below is a 10-minute YouTube video entitled "Eckhart Tolle TV: How can I find work that will give me joy."

If you're unable to watch this clip, Tolle is answering an audience question about working a mundane office job, and how can someone find a job that they truly enjoy. While Steve Jobs would tell the audience member to find their passion and only do what they love, Eckhart Tolle tells the person that they need to be completely accepting of the present moment and what is. He tells the audience member to be more conscious with every task and every phone call, and to take deep breaths that bring him back to the present moment. He says, "Your work is an excuse for practising presence."

But he's not telling the audience member to give up on the idea of ever being happy at work. Tolle concludes with, "Change comes into your life when you align with the present moment, instead of trying to get away from it."

Steve Jobs and Eckhart Tolle. Two very brilliant, but very different men. Who's advice should I take? Should I stay hungry and foolish, like Jobs tells me to? Or should I be still, be quiet, and surrender to the present moment, like Tolle tells me to?

To be perfectly frank, I am neither Steve Jobs nor Eckhart Tolle. I will never have the ambition of Steve Jobs. And I will never have the spiritual clarity of Eckhart Tolle. But maybe I can have a little bit of both. I would like to follow my dreams, like Jobs recommends, and be a successful writer. But I also want to live in the present moment and appreciate the stillness and silence that Tolle advices.

I am not Steve Jobs nor Eckhart Tolle. I am Leila Hernandez. And I would like to write amusing and entertaining stories. And I would also like a peaceful life with blessed moments of stillness, silence, and beautiful consciousness. That's not asking for too much. Is it?

Peace and love to all of you,

~Leila

P.S. When it's cold and rainy outside, why not stay inside, cuddled up under a blanket, and binge-watch all 10 episodes of the Sherman House Webisodes at www.shwebisodes.com?
 

The Business of Living

Dear friends,

I'm not gonna lie. This new freelance writer lifestyle of mine (or "Dream Month", as I call it) is pretty, pretty, pretty nice. Right now, for instance, I'm working on my blog, sipping an Irish Cream on the rocks, safe and warm in the bay window of my beautiful living room in Columbia Heights, watching the rain spit and drizzle on the other side of the window. Yup, my friends, this is, indeed the good life.

But it isn't all booze and blogging. I had some business to attend to today. The business of living. 401K and health insurance kind of business. First, I called the company that manages the 401K that I started with my previous employer. I asked if I could just leave my 401K where it is until I have a better idea of what to do with it in the future. The person on the phone said that was just fine. So good, 401K taken care of. For now.

The next task to deal with was the future of my health insurance. I have health insurance through my previous employer for the next three days. But starting May 1st, that insurance ends. I looked into COBRA-ing my current health insurance, but that would cost well over $500 per month. Na-ah. Not gonna happen.

So this left me with the Obamacare plan that I signed-up for on March 31st, back when I knew that I was going to quit soon. Through Obamacare, I signed up for the cheapest health and dental plans that I could find on the market. So I have a Kaiser Permanente plan with the highest deductible possible, because it's the smallest monthly payment. But my new health and dental insurance haven't been activated yet. I had to upload my "Certificate of Naturalization" to the DC Health Link website to prove my American citizenship. And I had to send off my payments for my new health and dental insurance programs. I wrote out the checks, put stamps on the envelopes, and dropped the letters in the mailbox. Hopefully all of this crazy and confusing paperwork will be over with, and I will be a fully-insured human being.

Dry-cleaning (at least for my boyfriend) is another part of the business of living. So, this afternoon, in another attempt to be a helpful and supportive girlfriend, I went by myself to the dry cleaner's to pick-up Eric's shirts. I knew that a major storm was heading towards DC, and Eric wouldn't be mad at me if I didn't go, but I was still determined to get his shirts.

I left the house and threw-out a bag of garbage into the dumpster around the corner from us (to be helpful and thoughtful). I mailed those checks for my health and dental insurance. I cashed my last pay-check (yup, the LAST pay-check), and I popped into Target for some shampoo and hand soap (boring "business of living" kind of things). I wondered if I had the strength to carry my bag of Target goods and pick-up Eric's shirts from the dry cleaner's, all before the rain arrived.

And it turned out, yes, I could do all of those things. I pretty much power-walked to the dry cleaner's with my bag of Target goods. Then I picked-up Eric's nine shirts and managed to power-walk all the way back home. I could feel my back start to hurt. I could feel the rain start to drop. But I made it home!

So there you have it. Even during a "Dream Month," there are still mundane tasks that need to be accomplished. Cleaning, laundry, health insurance, etc. It's not glamorous, but it still needs to happen.

I will now take the next ten minutes to do the most unglamorous thing in the world. I would like to sit still for ten minutes, in silence, with my eyes closed, and just focus on my heart beat. I promised myself that I would do tons of yoga and meditation during this "Dream Month," and while I've managed to meditate most days, I haven't even started on the yoga yet. Maybe tomorrow. That would be nice.

More fun things tomorrow. For instance, I'm seriously craving chocolate-covered strawberries. So I may go hunt down some of those tomorrow. We'll see where the day goes. But I kind of like that I don't know where the day will go. I'm up for anything right now. 

Friends, I will now leave you with a YouTube video that I loved watching when I loved in London. It's a fan video for the song "Good Life" by the band OneRepublic. I love this song, I love the message, and in the case of this video, I love the footage of London. You can't see it if you're reading this on an iPhone or iPad, so I recommend going home and watching this on your laptop.

I hope you all have a lovely evening, and a very, very, very good life, indeed.

-Leila

P.S. Ever wondered what it felt like to be a 20-something in a group house in DC in the year 2010? Well, now you too can feel like one of the housemates by watching all 10 episodes of the "Sherman House Webisodes" (for free!) at www.shwebisodes.com.

Gratitude

Dear friends,

It is now Day Five of my new "Dream Month" as a freelance writer and journalist. And I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I am so lucky. So DAMN lucky. I have been showered with love and support from my friends and former colleagues.

I have been to my former office twice this week to have lunch with four different former colleagues. On Tuesday, one colleague took me to lunch at the Capitol City Brewing Company, and on Thursday, three other colleagues took me to lunch at Cuba Libre. And while all of these colleagues are responsible, practical, sensible, grown-up professionals, they all told me that they are happy for me, proud of me, and even though they'll miss me, they know I'll be a success no matter what I do. Thank you, all of you. And no, I don't think I'm meant to live the 9-to-5 office life, but that office job is what has financed this "Dream Month," so I thank all of them for making this life possible for me.

Yesterday was exciting because I visited the campus of American University for the first time in AGES! I attended AU from 2008 to 2010 and received my Masters' degree in International Media. So there was a reunion on campus for all former (and current) International Media and International Communication students. I had a blast! (photo below)

And once again, I was showered in complete support and encouragement. I told everyone, including a beloved former professor of mine, that I had just quit my office job and embarked on a new life as a full-time freelance writer and pop-culture journalist. And even my former professor told me that this was a wonderful idea, that it suited me perfectly, and that she completely believes in me and new-found career.

My friends and fellow alumni were also 100% supportive and full of encouragement for my new life and career. It was such a fun night, and I am so happy to have reconnected with so many wonderful friends. 

<Sigh> I wish I could say the same about my family. Unfortunately, I have to keep this "Dream Month" a secret from them. A few weeks ago, I got a phone call from my mother saying, "Your brother saw on Facebook that you're planning to quit your job. Well, you'll be hearing from your father." That was all it took. That mild scolding was all it took for me to decide that my family wasn't (and still isn't) ready to hear my truth.

And it's such a shame. Life is so precious, and any one of us could be gone in the blink of an eye. And I'd love for my parents and siblings to know that I've made a major life decision and am following my dreams and love my life for the first time in a long time. I'd love to call them every day and tell them every detail about my "Dream Month" and my freelance writing career.

But I can't. They would all be very disappointed in me, with a just a pinch of anger. They would call me irresponsible for quitting the best-paying job I've ever had. They don't care about my happiness or sanity. They really just want me to be financially-viable. And I understand where they're coming from. They want me to be financially-stable and plan for my retirement. I get it. They need to know that I will never be homeless and destitute. I completely understand that their "disappointment" or "anger" comes from a place of love.

We just have different world views. Their view is, "Get a stable job, buy a house, save for retirement, and live happily every after." But that's not what I want or believe. My view is, "Life is short. Life is magical. Make every day count. And bring into existence that artefact or story that is longing to be created and brought into this world." I won't change their world view, they won't change mine. I just want them to be happy for me. I AM HAPPY. I can't remember the last time I was this happy! I just wish I could share that with my family. <Sigh> One day. One day I won't have to hide anything from them.

I wish I had a photo of my entire family to share here, but we haven't taken a picture together since my sister's wedding in 2004. So here's a picture of my brother, my nephew, my dad, myself, and my mom on Christmas 2012.

I love my family dearly and hope that I can one day share all of my joys and successes (and even failures) with them. But I am still so grateful to have all of them in my life (including my sister, who isn't in this picture, unfortunately). I am who I am today because of each of them.

With much love and gratitude, I wish all of you a great fabulous Friday and a wonderful weekend!

-Leila

P.S. All ten episodes (plus extra features!) of the Sherman House Webisodes are always available to stream for free at www.shwebisodes.com!

SHWebisodes

Dear friends,

Today is Wednesday, the third day of my new life as a freelance writer. Things are going WONDERFULLY. I am currently sitting at Tynan Coffee & Tea, on the corner of 14th St. NW and Irving St. NW. And I feel overwhelmed with nostalgia. I wrote nearly my entire Master's thesis in this coffee shop, exactly four years ago. And even though I was struggling with depression and anxiety at the time, I now look back on that era of my life as such a exciting and magical time. I miss those days!

Which is why I am extremely grateful that my dear (and talented) friend and former housemate Ted Jones captured that time in my life perfectly through the documentary web series, Sherman House Webisodes, or SHWebisodes, for short. From January through September of 2010, me and my housemates (Ted, Linsay, and Gabriel) filmed random moments of our lives together in our group house on Sherman Avenue. Then I moved to London. And Ted spent the next two years editing all of that footage into a 10-part web series. And I give Ted all the credit in the world for putting together a beautiful story, about a magical time, that still makes me cry every time I see it! I will warn you now that every blog entry here is going to end with a link to the SHWebisodes website www.shwebisodes.com.

Confession time. I binge-watched all ten episodes of SHWebisodes this morning (you can watch all ten episodes from free at the website above). Which is probably the reason why I ended up at this coffee shop that reminds me so much of 2010.

So here I am, on a beautiful Wednesday afternoon in 2014, feeling nostalgic for 2010. Isn't that silly? My life is PERFECT right now. Why on earth would I be longing for any other time and place?! But I have problems with nostalgia. No matter where I am, or how great the present moment is, I often long for another time or place. I need to learn to tame my nostalgia. When I was living in London, I often longed for my old DC life. Then I moved back to DC and longed for my old life in London. How can I possibly long for any time in the past when my present has never been better? I suppose that just acknowledging that silly tendency of mine is the first step in finding a cure.

So back the present moment. I am a freelance writer. I live in my favorite neighborhood in the world. All of my closest friends in DC live within a few blocks of me. My wonderful boyfriend lives with me in our huge apartment with our adorable housemate. It's springtime. Cherry blossoms are still lingering on the occasional, stubborn tree. It's neither hot nor cold. The present is perfect.

What's next? Well, I need to sort out and finalize my Obamacare health insurance. I need to figure out what to do with my 401K from my previous job. I need to read the Washingtonian Magazine website every day to get a sense of what they are, what they're missing, and how I can pitch my article ideas to them. I need to sign-up for Yoga classes at Yoga District. I need to get better at waking up in the morning and actually getting out of bed at 7:00 or 8:00 AM, rather than waking up at 7:00 AM and watching a couple of hours of How I Met Your Mother or Scrubs on Netflex before finally getting my butt out of bed. I really do want to wake up early, go for a jog, and have some avocado on toast, all before 9:00 AM. I'll get there. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But one day. And for the rest of my life.

I will end this nostalgic post with a picture from my SHWebisodes days. This was our "last supper" before I moved to London in 2010.

Wow. It took 20 minutes to download that photo. Tynan Coffee & Tea, you were great to me four years ago, and I'm thrilled that you're still in business, but I don't think I'll be blogging in here again. Your iced coffee is delicious and caffeinating, but your WiFi is way too slow for my needs. Tynan, I will keep you in my happy memories, but I don't think I need you in my present anymore. And not to be a sell-out, but Panera's WiFi (across the street) is way faster. Plus, I still need to redeem my "one free birthday pastry" from Panera before tomorrow. So I may go do that now.

Thank you friends, for your support and encouragement during this new chapter of my life. I've never been happier.

Love and prosperity to all of you!

-Leila

P.S. Binge-watch all ten episodes (or just watch one at a time, if you prefer) of the Sherman House Webisodes for free at www.shwebisodes.com.

Ordering Off The Menu

Dear friends,

I have hit the reset button on my life. And I've never been happier. I have said goodbye to the world of 9-to-5 office life. It's not for me. It doesn't suit me. And it makes me miserable. For the first time in a long time, I am living the life that I want, and it's not like anything I've lived before.

Ok, let me back-up. In my life, I have gone to school, performed in plays, been a radio DJ, hosted a public access TV show, gone to grad school, worked in Belgium, and even lived in London for two years.

But now I'm back in my adopted home of Washington, DC. It's where I want to be. It's where I'm choosing to be. And I've spent the last year and a half working in an office. I thought that was what I was supposed to do. You eventually grow-up, meet a nice boy, and get a job in an office with a 401K and health insurance. That's what you do in your 30's, right? But it wasn't right for me. My health suffered, I gained a bunch of weight, and I wasn't my best self. I started to feel sad and anxious most of the time. And that's not me. It's really not.

So I took the leap. I decided to quit. I gave my two-weeks notice on Monday, April 7th, and my last day at work was Thursday, April 17th (the office was closed for Good Friday). Can I confess something embarrassing? Do you know what song ultimately inspired me to quit? This song:

 

Yup. "Let It Go", from the Disney movie Frozen. That song perfectly reflects how I feel at this moment. And I admit, it inspired me to break free from the life I was living. "It's time to see what I can do / To test the limits and break through / No right, no wrong, no rules for me / I'm free!" It's silly, but that's EXACTLY how I feel right now. And it's euphoric.

So here I am. Day One of my new, dream life. Thanks to my office job, I have saved enough money to pay my bills for the next 6 months. But I'm obviously not going to go 6 months without making money. But I'm taking a full month off. I'm not going to look for a conventional job during this month. This month is my month. I worked my ass off to save-up for this month. This is going to be my dream month. 

I am going to live a full month like a full-time writer. I'm going to work on this blog every day. I'm going to work on articles for the Washingtonian Magazine every day. I'm going to work on my book about my time in London every day. I'm going to exercise and get my health back. I'm going to go to yoga and meditate and get my mental health back. I'm going to go to events around town and enjoy this city without the burden of a 9-to-5 job. I am free. 

I don't know what my life will look like after this month, but I'm going to love every second of this month while it lasts. Ideally, I'd like to pay my bills as a freelance writer. I'm going to write and submit stories for this full month, and maybe afterwards, I'll have enough writing gigs to keep this lifestyle going. I'll happily work temp-jobs or maybe rent out my room on www.airbnb.com. Who knows? But I will pay my bills, no doubt. Just not in the conventional 9-to-5 way. Not anymore.

But this is what I know for sure. I want to write. I want to tell stories. And I want to go out into this city and write about this city. And a 9-to-5 job just doesn't suit me. I tried to make that lifestyle work for me. And it doesn't. It never will. I must create my own life. It won't look like my parents' life or my siblings' life. It won't look like anything I've known before. But I can make it work. If we only get one go at this thing called life, I have to make it fun! I have to make it an adventure! And I have to make it fit me. Because I'm sick of trying to fit into someone else's idea of what life should be.

I would like to thank Dr. James Jeffries for inspiring the title of this blog. James is an old friend from my days at DePauw University. He gave a speech at Wabash College (where he now works) entitled "Ordering Off The Menu: Thoughts on Selecting, Choosing, and Creating Your Life." If you want to be inspired, please watch his entire speech here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-OG6jAN0Luc. 

He presented this speech on April 17th, 2014, my last day at my office job. I saw this speech on his brother's Facebook page the next day. And as I listened to it, completely captivated, I knew that I was making the right choice for my life. I knew that quitting my day job and leaping head-first into my writing career was entirely the right thing to do at this moment. I am not following in the footsteps of those who came before me. I'm blazing an entirely new trail for myself. But it fits me. I'm not selecting a career path from a multiple-choice list of jobs. I'm ordering off the menu. And I'm getting exactly what I want.  

And as usual, I am leaving you with a photo of the author. This picture was taken last summer, at the bottom of Meridian Hill Park in Washington, DC. I felt very much like me that day.

I wish all of you the best life possible.

-Leila

P.S. Relive all of your favorite moments from "The Sherman House Webisodes" at www.shwebisodes.com.