I'm tired of blaming everything on postpartum depression and anxiety. I gave birth over two years ago! How many years after birth actually, technically, still count as postpartum years? (Photo below was taken one day after giving birth to my daughter.)
Here's my current state of mind. I logically have nothing to complain about. But I feel sad and tired ALL THE TIME. I cry every day. And lately, I've been sobbing every day. I feel trapped.
I just want to run away from EVERYTHING and have an adventure, preferrably somewhere beautiful, with cool temperatures, great public transportation, and interesting historical sights. (Photo below is of Amsterdam. I've never been to Amsterdam. But, man, I'd love to go there right now.)
Why do I cry all of the time? Is it depression, or is it because I have a two-year-old?
I know I should love motherhood, but I don't. My two-year-old is angry almost all of the time! She won't let me watch TV. She won't eat what we make her for dinner. She won't get into her pajamas. And when she rages, it is an out-of-body experience! She's either possessed by the devil or doing a damn fine impression of the Tasmanian devil. She won't go to sleep. She won't let us rinse the shampoo out of her hair. She won't let us buckle her into her car seat. She won't keep her seatbelt on in an airplane. She won't hold our hand when she crosses a street.
But she will watch Bluey. And for those few precious moments, she is content. But when she's not watching Bluey, she's asking to watch Bluey. There's no winning.
But what do I have to complain about? Her father does EVERYTHING. He changes all of the diapers. He takes her to school in the morning and picks her up in the evening. He feeds her. He dresses her. He brushes her teeth and gives her a bath. He holds her until she falls asleep in his arms every night!
Is it depression? Maybe I just have an undiagnosed neurological condition. Maybe I'm just not neurotypical, and maybe things that are easy for other people are just really, really hard for me. Think about it. 1. I don't like loud noises. 2. I don't like changes to my routine. 3. I'm hyper sensitive. And there is no BIGGER, LOUDER, MORE DISRUPTIVE life change than having a baby!
What I'm trying to say is that other people seem to adjust to parenthood just fine. And I've been struggling with this adjustment ever since I found out that I was pregnant back in 2020. Is it depression, or an I just neuroatypical?
Is it depression, or am I just grieving? Yikes, just typing those words made me start to cry again. My dad died on September 5th, 2021. Just 4 months and 2 days after my daughter was born. He never got to meet her in person (thanks, Pandemic!). He saw photos and videos, and I know that he was so excited that "Cheecharita" was here and healthy.
I wasn't able to be with him in the end of his life because: 1. There was a Pandemic, 2. He lived in another country, and 3. I was strapped to a breast pump every other hour of the day. It was the worst possible time for him to get sick and pass on.
His wife had a memorial and creamation for him, but I couldn't travel to be there (because of the reasons mentioned above). I didn't have the opportunity to grieve the loss of my father with other friends or family members. I grieved alone. I listened to the songs "Calling All Angels" (by KD Lang & Jane Siberry) and "Speaking With Trees" (by Tori Amos) A LOT.
I wish I could have grieved with others. My ideal memorial service for my dad would have been a big party catered by El Pato (his favorite restaurant in McAllen).
All of my friends and family who knew him and loved him would be there, sharing crazy stories about his life. But I never got to do anything like that. So maybe that's why I'm still crying about him two years later.
Is it depression, or am I still working through unresolved trauma? We've all just been through a hell of a global trauma since 2020. I'm embarassed to admit that I'm still traumatized by the Covid Pandemic. I can hear my British Grandfather in my head saying, "We didn't cry during the war or during the Blitz. We just got on with it!" Maybe I'm crying so much now because I didn't cry during the Pandemic. I just got on with it.
I'm ashamed to admit this, but I actually loved Quarantine Life for the first 5 months or so (until I got pregnant and started puking every day and feeling like hell). I liked taking a break from modern life. I liked that we all stopped and hunkered down. I liked that I suddenly had so much more time and energy (because I wasn't commuting to work 5 days a week). I started cooking and exercising every day. I reconnected with friends and family members over Zoom every week. We all stopped consuming so damn much and burning so many fossil fuels. The Earth and all of its inhabitants were finally able to breathe!
But there was still trauma and loss during the Pandemic. My dad didn't die of Covid, but he died during Covid, so I wasn't able to say goodbye in person. I got pregnant during Covid, so I had an unusually isolating pregnancy, birth, and postpartum life. My partner had to stay in the car and wait for me during all of my scans and doctor's appointments. And we were alone when we brought our daughter home from the hospital.
It was a scary and isolating time, for all of us. We also learned SO MUCH about our friends and family members that we honestly wished we didn't known. We saw how they reacted to the murder of George Floyd and the Black Lives Matter protests. We saw how they reacted to the vaccines. We saw how they reacted to the January 6th Insurrection at the US Capitol. All was revealed during the Pandemic. And I think it's ok to admit that I'm still traumatized by all of that.
Is it depression, or is it an unjust world? Before giving birth, I always had a low tolerence for suffering (my own personal suffering as well as the suffering of others). But after giving birth, I have ZERO tolerance for suffering. I can't watch the news AT ALL! I can't handle hearing about other people suffering, especially children! I now cry at TV shows and movies that I NEVER used to cry at. I have the complete opposite of "thick skin." Since giving birth, I feel like I have "no skin." Like I have no shield between my fragile soul and rest of the physical world.
I can no longer tolerate a world that allows for the blatant suffering of others. Our modern world allows so many human beings to live without food, shelter, healthcare, and education, while others live in a ludicrous cocoon of wealth and privledge. And in just the past couple of years alone, the US Supreme Court sent women's rights, minority rights, and LGBTQ rights back by more than half a century! And why do lawmakers in this country care so much more about gun rights than about protecting children?! So am I depressed, or am I just fucking sick and tired of this bullshit?! SOMETHING NEEDS TO CHANGE!
Or maybe it's a bit of everything. Maybe it is depression. Maybe it's time to admit that, once again, I need more than exercise and meditation. Maybe it's time to have that conversation with my doctor (again).
But we as a species can do a lot better than this, you have to admit.
