I went to my first AA meeting yesterday. Thank you. Yes, YOU.
I listened to your audiobook, Recovery: Freedom From Our Addictions, last winter. I loved it.
As soon as I had finished it, I immediately started it again from the beginning. I didn't know then that I was an alcoholic, but something still resonated from inside of me, from your first few words. Something about always feeling uneasy about the state of the world. Always contemplating the futility of life and mortality. Never really feeling at ease on this planet.
Those sentiments resonated with me 100%. I had never put those feelings into words before, but you did. And I felt a kinship with you immediately.
At the time I listened to your audiobook, I could easily see how I was addicted to food and relationships, and used those things to self-soothe and feel a sense of purpose. I put food and relationships on this pedestal as being the only things that could save me - that could give this meaningless life any meaning. I built my day around food and relationships. I built my life around food and relationships.
But when you rely on anything outside of yourself for a sense of meaning, joy, or purpose, you're setting yourself for hurt.
My relationship with food was starting to impact my health. My weight slowly crept up, year after year, despite being an active member of Weight Watchers.
And the need for attention and approval from others was crippling. I could never get enough compliments from my partner. I wanted strangers to notice me. I wanted my peers to praise me. But it was never enough.
I realized all of this from listening your audiobook.
But I didn't realize that I was also an alcoholic until just now.
I met a woman at a health-and-wellness fair who was handing out literature about AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). I started speaking with her and was crying within 60 seconds of meeting her. She was kind and generous and gave me her phone number and email address. I emailed her that night. She invited to join her at an AA meeting the next day. I went to that meeting yesterday. And I absolutely relished every moment of it.
Russell, I didn't realize it, but I'm an alcoholic! I use alcohol to self-soothe. I rely on alcohol to fly in an airplane. Sometimes, I use alcohol to just get through a hard day.
This AA meeting was nothing like I had expected. I expected a room full of traumatized, abused, homeless addicts. What I found was room full of people JUST LIKE ME. People who have been struggling with anxiety for most of their lives. People who are very sensitive to the disapproval of others. People who worry too much. People who are really funny and interesting! People who are willing to be vulnerable and share their hurts and scars with a room full of strangers.
I fell in love with EVERYONE in that room.
I didn't say a word for the entire meeting. I just listened. And cried. And felt completely at home with these lovely human-beings.
If this is what church feels like for religious people, then I FINALLY understand the appeal of church for the first time in my life! I felt hope. I felt unconditional love. I felt the absolute beauty of humanity.
And I will go back. I'm already looking for more meetings to attend. I would happily attend a meeting every day!
I know that AA will help me with some of my problems. But I also know that I have to deal with my specific issues with food, too. And for that, I plan to attend my first OA meeting in two days. In fact, I'll be going to an AA meeting at 6:00 PM, followed immediately by an OA meeting at 7:15 PM. And I can't wait.
Thank you, Russell. Thank you for sharing your recovery with me. Thank you for holding up a mirror to my own fears and struggles.
I know that I will always be an addict. But I now have the HOPE and FAITH that I can lead a full, happy, and healthy life, without being tied down to these addictions. I'm not there yet. I'm just at the start of this journey. But I am finally ready for the start of this journey.
I wanted to thank you via email, but I couldn't find your email address on your website. So here it is. My thoughts and feelings of gratitude for all the world to see. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Russell.
I hope that, one day, I too can help other people find their way to freedom from addiction.
A grateful fellow human being,
Leila Hernandez
