Is it depression? Or is it ...

Is it depression or am I just really sad and tired because modern life is hard? 

I'm tired of blaming everything on postpartum depression and anxiety. I gave birth over two years ago! How many years after birth actually, technically, still count as postpartum years? (Photo below was taken one day after giving birth to my daughter.)

Here's my current state of mind. I logically have nothing to complain about. But I feel sad and tired ALL THE TIME. I cry every day. And lately, I've been sobbing every day. I feel trapped. 

I just want to run away from EVERYTHING and have an adventure, preferrably somewhere beautiful, with cool temperatures, great public transportation, and interesting historical sights. (Photo below is of Amsterdam. I've never been to Amsterdam. But, man, I'd love to go there right now.) 

Why do I cry all of the time? Is it depression, or is it because I have a two-year-old?

I know I should love motherhood, but I don't. My two-year-old is angry almost all of the time! She won't let me watch TV. She won't eat what we make her for dinner. She won't get into her pajamas. And when she rages, it is an out-of-body experience! She's either possessed by the devil or doing a damn fine impression of the Tasmanian devil. She won't go to sleep. She won't let us rinse the shampoo out of her hair. She won't let us buckle her into her car seat. She won't keep her seatbelt on in an airplane. She won't hold our hand when she crosses a street. 

But she will watch Bluey. And for those few precious moments, she is content. But when she's not watching Bluey, she's asking to watch Bluey. There's no winning.

But what do I have to complain about? Her father does EVERYTHING. He changes all of the diapers. He takes her to school in the morning and picks her up in the evening. He feeds her. He dresses her. He brushes her teeth and gives her a bath. He holds her until she falls asleep in his arms every night!  

Is it depression? Maybe I just have an undiagnosed neurological condition. Maybe I'm just not neurotypical, and maybe things that are easy for other people are just really, really hard for me. Think about it. 1. I don't like loud noises. 2. I don't like changes to my routine. 3. I'm hyper sensitive. And there is no BIGGER, LOUDER, MORE DISRUPTIVE life change than having a baby!  

What I'm trying to say is that other people seem to adjust to parenthood just fine. And I've been struggling with this adjustment ever since I found out that I was pregnant back in 2020. Is it depression, or an I just neuroatypical?

Is it depression, or am I just grieving? Yikes, just typing those words made me start to cry again. My dad died on September 5th, 2021. Just 4 months and 2 days after my daughter was born. He never got to meet her in person (thanks, Pandemic!). He saw photos and videos, and I know that he was so excited that "Cheecharita" was here and healthy. 

I wasn't able to be with him in the end of his life because: 1. There was a Pandemic, 2. He lived in another country, and 3. I was strapped to a breast pump every other hour of the day. It was the worst possible time for him to get sick and pass on. 

His wife had a memorial and creamation for him, but I couldn't travel to be there (because of the reasons mentioned above). I didn't have the opportunity to grieve the loss of my father with other friends or family members. I grieved alone. I listened to the songs "Calling All Angels" (by KD Lang & Jane Siberry) and "Speaking With Trees" (by Tori Amos) A LOT. 

I wish I could have grieved with others. My ideal memorial service for my dad would have been a big party catered by El Pato (his favorite restaurant in McAllen). 

All of my friends and family who knew him and loved him would be there, sharing crazy stories about his life. But I never got to do anything like that. So maybe that's why I'm still crying about him two years later. 

Is it depression, or am I still working through unresolved trauma? We've all just been through a hell of a global trauma since 2020. I'm embarassed to admit that I'm still traumatized by the Covid Pandemic. I can hear my British Grandfather in my head saying, "We didn't cry during the war or during the Blitz. We just got on with it!" Maybe I'm crying so much now because I didn't cry during the Pandemic. I just got on with it. 

I'm ashamed to admit this, but I actually loved Quarantine Life for the first 5 months or so (until I got pregnant and started puking every day and feeling like hell). I liked taking a break from modern life. I liked that we all stopped and hunkered down. I liked that I suddenly had so much more time and energy (because I wasn't commuting to work 5 days a week). I started cooking and exercising every day. I reconnected with friends and family members over Zoom every week. We all stopped consuming so damn much and burning so many fossil fuels. The Earth and all of its inhabitants were finally able to breathe! 

But there was still trauma and loss during the Pandemic. My dad didn't die of Covid, but he died during Covid, so I wasn't able to say goodbye in person. I got pregnant during Covid, so I had an unusually isolating pregnancy, birth, and postpartum life. My partner had to stay in the car and wait for me during all of my scans and doctor's appointments. And we were alone when we brought our daughter home from the hospital.  

It was a scary and isolating time, for all of us. We also learned SO MUCH about our friends and family members that we honestly wished we didn't known. We saw how they reacted to the murder of George Floyd and the Black Lives Matter protests. We saw how they reacted to the vaccines. We saw how they reacted to the January 6th Insurrection at the US Capitol. All was revealed during the Pandemic. And I think it's ok to admit that I'm still traumatized by all of that.

Is it depression, or is it an unjust world? Before giving birth, I always had a low tolerence for suffering (my own personal suffering as well as the suffering of others). But after giving birth, I have ZERO tolerance for suffering. I can't watch the news AT ALL! I can't handle hearing about other people suffering, especially children! I now cry at TV shows and movies that I NEVER used to cry at. I have the complete opposite of "thick skin." Since giving birth, I feel like I have "no skin." Like I have no shield between my fragile soul and rest of the physical world.   

I can no longer tolerate a world that allows for the blatant suffering of others. Our modern world allows so many human beings to live without food, shelter, healthcare, and education, while others live in a ludicrous cocoon of wealth and privledge. And in just the past couple of years alone, the US Supreme Court sent women's rights, minority rights, and LGBTQ rights back by more than half a century! And why do lawmakers in this country care so much more about gun rights than about protecting children?! So am I depressed, or am I just fucking sick and tired of this bullshit?! SOMETHING NEEDS TO CHANGE! 

Or maybe it's a bit of everything. Maybe it is depression. Maybe it's time to admit that, once again, I need more than exercise and meditation. Maybe it's time to have that conversation with my doctor (again).

But we as a species can do a lot better than this, you have to admit.

D.O.S.E.-ing My Brain With My Imagination

I have been working with Neal Phalora, The Brain Warrior, since June. Our conversations have been life-changing and life-affirming. He's helping me uncover my subconscious, limiting beliefs, and he's encouraging me to live my fullest, most authentic life. 

 

From day one, he has been teaching me to "D.O.S.E." my brain chemistry on a regular basis. "D.O.S.E.-ing" my brain chemistry means creating and releasing the following hormones into my brain:

D = Dopamine

O = Oxytocin

S = Serotonin

E = Epinephrine

How do you create and release your own dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and epinephrine into your own brain? Through the power of your very own imagination. By simply imagining you are somewhere wonderful, living your wildest fantasies. And you can't just see it. You have to feel it, smell it, taste it, and breathe in every last detail. 

Neal has me doing these meditations/visualizations every morning, every night, and even during my lunch break. And they are SO MUCH FUN!!! 

To keep myself accountable (at least for a week or so), I thought I would write down some of my visualizations. Writing helps me put words to my emotions. Writing helps me to take ideas from the abstract and make them concrete. So here are some of my visualizations. Here are some of my greatest dreams and ultimate fantasies.

  

One-Woman Show:

I am on stage in the Terrace Theater, on the third floor of the Kennedy Center (this is where I saw Janeane Garofalo perform stand-up comedy in 2019). It's an intimate space with only 487 seats, but it's a beautiful theater. The walls are wooden and curvy, and the chairs are comfy and purple. I'm performing my one-woman show. 

There's a big, Persian rug on stage and a microphone on a stand. I gesticulate a lot, so I often need the microphone on the stand so that I can wave my arms around frantically. But sometimes, I pick-up the microphone and walk around the stage. I'm wearing comfortable tennis shoes, stylish jeans, and a red blouse. Man, not to brag, but I look stunning! My head is shaved on one side, and my hair is long, brown, gray, and curly on the other side. I'm wearing hoop earrings (because, Selena). I'm telling stories about growing-up with an anxiety disorder. I'm talking about my fear of being kidnapped (because, the 80's). I'm talking about using alcohol to cope with these overpowering emotions. I talk about my other addictions - food, relationships, television, work. And I talk about clawing my way out, slowly and steadily, from a life of anxiety, depression, addiction, and obesity, to finally finding my true self and finding my voice. I am strong, healthy, energized, and excited, and I'm doing my favorite thing in the world - TELLING STORIES! And I'm freakin' getting paid for it. I have a tour! I get to perform this show all over the world! 

Published Author:

I am a speaker and panelist at the National Book Festival in Washington, DC. I'm participating in a panel discussion about self-help books and memoirs. The audience is asking great questions about their own struggles with mental health and addiction. I'm on the panel with Glennon Doyle and Elizabeth Gilbert, in the biggest hall of the Walter E. Washington Convention Center. I can't believe I'm sharing a stage with two of my biggest heroes and inspirations (unbeknownst to them). 

A woman in the audience asks all of three of us who our literary inspirations are/were, and I get to gush about how these ladies on stage with me are my heroes! I talk about my first (diagnosed) major depression in 2009, and how I read Eat, Pray, Love over and over and over again during those years. I talk about reading Untamed in 2019, after I got sober, and how it inspired me to be loud, proud, and live my life on full-blast. And I cry with gratitude that I get to share the stage with these women, who wrote books that changed the course of my life. Later that evening, I get to have dinner with these women and their partners (and my fella) at an elegant downtown DC restaurant. I eat the most heavenly, flaky, buttery fish I have ever eaten in my life! And I am having one of the BEST conversations I've ever had, about creativity, spirituality, and the meaning of life. It's the best day of my life. 

Living in London (at the Four Seasons):

I am staying at the 5-star Four Seasons Hotel London at Ten Trinity Square while I finish my next book. It's about the years I lived in London and everything I learned from that experience. This gorgeous hotel is right in the City, across the street from the Tower of London. It's just a 30-minute walk to The Harrow (my grandfather's family's pub). I'm also drawn to this very spot because of its history and its specific ties to Samuel Pepys (I inherited my grandfather's full collection of The Diary of Samuel Pepys). And have I mentioned how GORGEOUS this building is?!?! I am greeted at the front entrance by tall, regal columns.

Because this building was once the headquarters of the Port of London Authority, everything is grand and nautical-themed. Eric (my fella) and I are staying in the Grand Heritage Suite. I wake-up to the sounds of the bustling city below. I have breakfast brought up to the room. Breakfast consists of scrambled eggs, toast with butter and marmalade, sausages, a bowl of fresh fruit, a carafe of freshly-squeezed orange juice, and a big pot of proper English tea (with sugar and milk). We eat our breakfast and look out the window at the hubbub of the city and the Tower, while the BBC Breakfast Show plays on the TV in the background. We get in our exercise clothes and head down to the gym for a quick 45-minutes of cardio and weights. Then it's off to the pool for a few refreshing laps. Then we head back to the room to get showered and dressed for the day. 

I open my laptop on the dinning room table and pick-up writing right where I left off yesterday. I tell my stories of why I had always been in love with London and dreamed of living here. I talk about moving to London to get over a boy. I describe the luck of landing a full-time reception job at the Rail Safety & Standards Board (RSSB) and the life-long friends that I make at that office. I type and add photos, and type and add photos, and type and add some more photos. After several productive hours of work, it's time to close the computer, venture out into the beautiful city, and meet-up with old friends in Leicester Square.

Filming My Sit-Com:

I am living in Los Angeles, where Eric (my fella) and I are writing and producing our sit-com, based on our lives. I'm also acting in the sit-com. I play the role of "Leila," but Eric is played by Elijah Wood (Eric doesn't enjoy acting, so he hand-picked Elijah to play him). We have our own writing office on the Warner Bros. studio lot in Burbank, CA, and that's also where we're filming the sit-com. The name of the show is Leila. 

The script is based on the emails that Eric and I sent back and forth to each other the year we met. To play the part of 30-year-old Leila, I have to dye my hair red (with blond streaks) because that's what I looked like in 2011/2012, but it's a small price to pay to be able to write and star in my own sit-com based on my life. While we're filming season one, we are renting a gorgeous Beverly Hills bungalow and driving around the city in a Ford Mustang Convertible (because, when in Rome).  

*********

Anyway, you get the idea. I highly recommend that everyone takes some time in their day to imagine their dream life. You could be living it right now, for all I know. But give yourself to permission to daydream and fantasize. 

Quarantine time is the PERFECT time to start visualizing your dream life! I'm not comfortable going out into the physical world at this time, so I've had to go deep into my own mind and my own imagination, to find a sense of wonder and inspiration at this scary time. 

If you ever want to share your visualizations with me, I would LOVE to hear them! Take care, all. Stay safe. Look after your mental and physical health. And start daydreaming RIGHT NOW! 

    

(My Quarantine) Life Is Beautiful

We are in the midst of a historic pandemic. As of today, over 17,000,000 people have been infected with this novel coronavirus worldwide, and over 685,000 people have died from it. Businesses are closing, economies are shrinking, millions of people have lost their jobs, and countless people are suffering.

But that's not what this story is about. This is a story is about my quarantine life.

The infamous "Zoom Heart."

My quarantine life is STUPIDLY privileged, it must be said. I live in a 2-bedroom, 2-bathroom apartment in North Bethesda, Maryland, with my partner, Eric. I happen to like Eric a LOT, so that's pretty fortunate. As of today, Eric and I still have our jobs, and we are both incredibly lucky to be able to do these jobs from home. 

We don't have any kids, and we don't have any pets. We are only responsible for ourselves. We enjoy eating the same foods, and we like to watch the same TV shows and movies on Netflix and Hulu. So I completely understand that I am writing these words from a ridiculous place of privilege.

I am not writing this to shame or belittle anyone who is making different life choices than I am right now. I am writing this because I happen to love my life under quarantine, and I think we all need to hear more happy stories right now. This is simply the story of my personal, beautiful, little quarantine life.

My last day in my physical office was Friday, March 13th (yup, Friday the 13th). My employer announced on Thursday, March 12th, that the next day would be our last day in the office. I tried to tie-up all of my lose ends, making sure that my borrowed laptop worked, setting my out-of-office messages, and grabbing some important documents before heading out the door for the last time. 

My last day in the office also happened to be the last time I rode the DC Metro or bought an iced coffee from Wawa in Tenleytown. Those former daily habits feel like lifetimes ago now!  

Eric and I didn't leave our apartment that weekend. We stayed inside to do our part to "flatten the curve." We assumed we were non-systematic carriers of Covid-19, and we've been living under those assumptions ever since. Our quarantine life in August 2020 looks just like our quarantine life from March 2020. Not much has about our lives have changed since then. 

First of all, I love that the morning and evening "commute" has been completely eliminated from my life. In "pre-pandemic life," I woke-up at 6:30 AM every workday, left the house at 7:30 AM, rode the DC Metro to the Tenleytown Station, picked-up an iced coffee (and sometimes also grabbed lunch) from Wawa, jumped on the AU shuttle, and was at my desk by 8:30 AM. In the evenings, I would sometimes walk to the Tenleytown Station (instead of take the AU shuttle), then take the Metro home. 

But now that I'm working from home, I'm gaining two extra hours a day that used to be spent commuting! Two hours a day is a LOT of extra time! The most obvious benefit of this extra time is the extra sleep that I'm getting. My biological clock is MUCH more comfortable waking up at 8:30 AM instead of 6:30 AM. Mornings now don't hurt nearly as much as they used to when the alarm went off at 6:00 AM.  

I get out of bed, brush my teeth, splash my face with water, make my own (DECAF!) iced coffee, and I'm on my laptop at 9:00 AM, responding to emails and participating in meetings on Zoom or Microsoft Team. Eric sits at one end of our living room, and I sit at the other end, working at the dining room table. 

Then 12:00 PM is lunch time! Sometimes, I'll make Eric and I sandwiches with turkey, cheese, mayo, and lettuce. Other times, I'll make us quesadillas with turkey and cheese. Or I'll make us wraps with hummus, meatballs, mozzarella, and lettuce. On Wednesdays and Thursdays, I have virtual lunch dates with friends over Zoom or FaceTime. Sometimes I'll spend my lunch hour being productive (like cleaning the kitchen or doing laundry). Other days, I just want to spend my lunch hour watching reruns 90210 on CBS All Access. My lunch hour will be spent doing whatever sparks joy for me that day. 

Then it's back on the work laptop until 5:00 PM. At that time, both Eric and I close our laptops and start to make dinner. Dinner is whatever my heart desires! I'm only limited by my own imagination. I've cooked more delicious meals in the past five months than in the past five years! I've made homemade Alfredo sauce to pour over broccoli, chicken breast, and bow-tie pasta. I've made chicken tacos with black beans that I cooked from scratch. I've made a tater tot casserole...twice! 

My homemade mac & cheese, with tater tot casserole.

Some people love to cook. I DO NOT. But I love to eat delicious food. And in quarantine life, I'm no longer going to restaurants, so I'm learning to cook my own restaurant-quality food. I have an on-going list of foods I still need to learn to make. I want to make my own Spanish Tortilla. I want to make my own risotto. I want to make my own Taco Bell Chili Cheese Frito Burrito, damn it! And I know I can make all of these things because I've got the time!

And desserts! I've baked cakes. I've made a delicious chocolate, banana, and chia seed pudding! Eric just made the absolute BEST chocolate chip, walnut, oatmeal cookies! He also made chocolate chip scones a couple of months back. YUM! 

Betty Crocker Delights Super Moist Butter Pecan Cake.

And here's the crazy thing - I'm losing weight! I'm no longer eating because of "stress" or "boredom." When I do eat, it's nutritious and delicious, so I'm completely psychologically satisfied by my meals. I know I'm going to make something delicious for dinner, so I have no desire to snack during the day. I'm feeling great!

Lately, we've been watching old episodes of Babylon 5 at dinner time. Then after dinner is exercise time. Exercise HAS to be something that I enjoy and look forward to. Historically, my favorite "exercise" is traveling. Some of the best workouts in my life have been all-day walks around London, Bilbao, Miami, or New York City. I love walking around new cities, exploring different neighborhoods and buildings. So I've brought that love of traveling and walking into my daily quarantine routine. After dinner, we walk and jog in front of the TV while watching travel shows. It gets my heart rate up, and it satisfies my inner travel bug. 

Eric and I exploring the streets of Logroño, Spain in 2018. My kind of exercise!

Early on in quarantine life, I would find "virtual walks" of various cities in YouTube, and we would watch those "virtual walks" of Dublin, Venice, or Tokyo while walking and jogging in place. Once I got tired of amateur videos on YouTube, we started walking and jogging to episodes of Rick Steves' Europe on Hulu. Once I tired of Rick (don't worry, I fully intend to go back to him) we started walking and jogging to a British show in Hulu called Travel Man, hosted by British comedian Richard Ayoade. We just ran out of Travel Man episodes, so we've moved on to the Netflix show Conan Without Borders, starring Conan O'Brien. I like this evening tradition because I get a double dose of endorphins - one dose from exercise and another dose from laughing so hard. It's win-win. 

Richard Ayoade's "Travel Man" catch phrase.

After exercise time is bath time. And I am LOVING my new-found, nighttime, bubble bath ritual. I find that body wash actually lathers-up better than traditional "bubble bath." Who knew? I also put a couple of drops of lavender essential oil into the bath, to take it to the next level of luxury. I come out the bath feeling calm, cozy, and ready for bed time.

Several nights a week, I will squeeze in at least one social Zoom call with a friend (or a group of friends) before bed time. My social life isn't hurting under quarantine life. In fact, I've never felt more connected with friends and family in my entire life! 

Tuesday nights are particularly social. I participate in a Zoom call every Tuesday night with my former high school choir director, his wife, and a handful of former choir friends. On some nights, only 4 or 5 of us can make it. But other nights, we have up to a dozen old friends chime in from all over the country. We laugh and reminisce about silly high school drama, and we try to remember all of the songs we performed. We talk about our high school musicals, and we remember our "Raz-Ma-Taz" performances. And yes, there is singing! I insist! 

Tuesday night choir reunions on Zoom.

I used to reconnect with this former teacher maybe once a year, when I would fly home to Texas at Christmas time. But thanks to quarantine life, I now have the gift of regularly keeping in touch with these dear friends of mine.

In summation (too late, I know!), I love my quarantine life! I can see all of the gifts that are arising out of this pandemic, and I am overwhelmed with gratitude for every precious moment of this quarantine life. 

For the first time (possibly ever), I am living a very intentional life. Nothing happens by accident. I have the gift of time to do whatever I want, every day of my life. I cook and eat intentionally. I socialize intentionally. I exercise, relax, work, and sleep intentionally. 

When I see an entire weekend before me, with no obligations or responsibilities, I can ask myself, "What do I WANT to do?" And then I DO THAT! Lately, the things I've wanted to do more than anything are write, tell stories, and connect with the people that I love. Those activities are 100% what give me joy these days. 

I can't distract myself with making plans about the future. I am FORCED to live in the present moment. And the present moment is where all joy and love come from! We only have this moment to love one and other. We only have this moment to connect with one and other. We only have this moment to experience the joy of life. And I am absolutely bursting at the seams with love and joy these days. 

Zoom call with family in the U.S., Canada, and the U.K.

I know that quarantine life won't last forever. Human ingenuity is beyond belief, and we will develop and distribute a vaccine for this deadly virus that is ravishing individuals and communities all over the world. We will return to work, to school, to parties, and to traveling, one day. But I don't want to lose the intentional life that I am leading now. I want to keep these actions, habits, and behaviors with me for the rest of my life. 

I want to keep spending my days writing, connecting, laughing, telling stories, cooking, exercising, and relaxing. I found my perfect life here at home. 

I hope you are living your most perfect life, too.

                

Stories from the RGV: "Going to Mexico"

My current "quarantine life" is, indeed, a privileged one. With no rush-hour commutes and no children to entertain, I have LOTS of free time. And I intend to use this free time to engage in my favorite pastime - nostalgic storytelling. I've met amazing people in my life (and I miss you all dearly!) and had notable adventures. I want to write down as many of these adventures as I can, while I still remember them. I guess these are my love letters to everyone I've ever called a friend. Enjoy. And stay safe!  

This first story comes from the Rio Grande Valley in the 1990's, and I call it "GOING TO MEXICO." 

I was 14 years old the first time I went drinking and dancing with friends in Mexico. It was a rite of passage for teenagers in the Rio Grande Valley in the 1990's. We would cross the border on Friday nights and go bar-hopping and dancing in the city of Reynosa, Mexico. We just called it "going to Mexico." 

I was a freshman in high school the first time I "went to Mexico." It was Friday night, November 17, 1995. I went with some of the cast members of the school play, The Taming of the Shrew. My friend Annika and I were the only freshman in the fall play that year. I had maybe 5 lines in the whole play, but I didn't care. I was in awe of the older theater kids, and I just wanted to be around them. John, April, CC, Jessica, Panta, Ceci, Ian, etc. I adored them! When they suggested "going to Mexico" after the Friday night performance, I was ALL IN!

Photo courtesy of David Bourbois.

After the show, we got out of our costumes and stage make-up, and we headed out. Our first stop that night was the Black Eyed Pea restaurant, to pick-up another friend who worked as a server there. I remember sitting at the table and thinking how lucky I felt to be hanging out with these kids. Then the Fleetwood Mac song Little Lies played in the background, and I said out-loud, "I love this song!" 

Someone asked me who sang it, and I said I didn't know, but I was pretty sure it was called Tell Me Lies. Then CC joked, in an announcer voice, "That was the band Tell Me Lies with their hit song Tell Me Lies, from their self-titled debut album Tell Me Lies." And in that moment, that was the most hilarious thing I had ever heard in my life. To this day, I love that song because it reminds me of that moment at the Black Eyed Pea. 

Our friend got done with his shift at work, and we all headed off to the border. It took less than 20 minutes to drive from McAllen, Texas to Reynosa, Mexico. Everyone parked their cars on the US side of the border, and we walked over the international bridge to Mexico. 

The first bar we headed to that night was Imperial, just around the corner from the international bridge. The front of Imperial was a store where you could buy cheap liquor, cheap cigarettes, and cheap souvenirs. 

Outside of Imperial.

But if you walked through the store, all the way to the back, you found the bar with the masturbating monkey. Seriously! One whole wall of the bar was a giant atrium, and in that atrium lived a very lonely monkey. Imperial was known for their 2-for-1 drink specials. They had cozy leather seats and a chilled-out atmosphere. 

Our next stop of the night was the little bar with the big windmill outside, called Dutch's.

Outside of Dutch's.

Dutch's was famous for their Flaming Dr. Pepper. That was what you HAD TO GET at Dutch's. Your drink came with a glass of beer and thick shot of... I don't know... something... on fire. You're supposed to drop the lit shot glass into the beer, then guzzle the whole beer in one go. To this day, I still don't know what they put in those shot glasses, but the whole thing tasted just like Dr. Pepper! It was magical! 

Next door to Dutch's was a nightclub called Alaskan. Everything else was just a warm-up for a full night of drinking and dancing at Alaskan. We each paid $10 at the door to get in. Then, once inside, it was all-you-could-drink Tequila Sunrises and Tom Collins, all night long! No one asked for an ID card. If you were tall enough to reach the bar, you were served. 

Outside of Alaskan.

The drinks were great, but what I really loved was THE DANCING! I learned to dance at Alaskan! The music was mostly 80's, new wave, goth, and retro. And I danced all night! 

What I haven't mentioned yet is that I was hopelessly in love with one of the older theater kids. John was a senior, and he had the leading role of Petruchio in The Taming of the Shrew, and I was obsessed with him! Though my love was unrequited, I still worshiped the ground that John walked on. So when I got the chance to dance with John to the Violent Femmes song Blister In The Sun, I was in Heaven! It was euphoric. 

I remember dancing to songs by The Smiths, The Cure, The Cars, Duran Duran, Depeche Mode, Eurythmics, Modern English, New Order, and the Pet Shop Boys. The Cure song "Friday I'm In Love" was practically the anthem of "going to Mexico." 

What time did we eventually leave? I don't remember. It was probably based on who had the earliest curfew. But we probably stopped for food on the way home. 

There were two main food options for the after-dancing munchies. One option was the burger stand just across the street from Alaskan. Those Mexican street burgers always came with a friend egg on top, and they were the most delicious burger you ever tasted in your life! 

The other option was the Whataburger on the US side of the international bridge. I can guarantee that that Whataburger location made a fortune every Friday night! Nothing ever tasted as good as Whataburger after a night of drinking and dancing in Reynosa.

And what's the best part about going to Mexico when you're 14 years old? There's no hangover in the morning! 

November 17, 1995, was the first time I "went to Mexico," but it was certainly not my last. My friends and I continued to make the pilgrimage to Reynosa throughout the rest of our high school years.

I'm not trying to glorify the 90's, but it was a sweet time to be a teenager in the Rio Grande Valley. The Border Patrol knew what stupid shit we were doing in Mexico, but they didn't care. All you had to do to get back into the US was say two magic words, "Yes, sir."

The Border Patrol Agents would ask you and all of your friends, one at a time, "Are you an American citizen?" And all you had to say was, "Yes, sir." No passport required. Sometimes they would try to confuse you by asking what hospital you were born in, but I knew it was just easier to say, "McAllen Medical Center," rather than tell the truth. 

The border has changed since the 90's. Strict regulations were placed on all international ports of entry after the attacks of September 11, 2001. And since 2006, a bloody and violent drug war has ravaged the US-Mexico border. 

Teenagers from the Rio Grande Valley no longer "go to Mexico" on a Friday nights. People are told to stay away from Reynosa because it's too dangerous. I wonder if any of those old bars or clubs are still open. I wonder what teenagers in McAllen do instead on Friday nights? 

I wonder, "What did ever happen to that masturbating monkey?"  

CHURCH NIGHT was made for COVID-19!

This was my favorite Church Night service ever! 

On Saturday, March 28, 2020, Church Night did their first ever coast-to-coast livestream show on YouTube, and it was perfection. The stars of Church Night were scattered across the country (in LA, NYC, and DC), but by the power of YouTube, they came together, at the same time, to put on the perfect show for a global quarantined audience. 

If you missed it, I highly recommend that you watch the full show here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GSiDtW6jrdk. 

The March 28, 2020, live stream of Church Night.

 

See the photo above? That's the cast of Church Night (for those who are new to the cult comedy show). From left to right, that's Linsay Deming (playing Youth Minister Kathy Piechota), Jeremy Frank (playing Altered Boy Randy Saint Oats), and Landon Letzkus (playing the Reverend Stevedore Maybelline Bidet). In reality, they are living quarantined lives in LA, DC, and NYC, respectively.  

But in the Church Night Livestream, they are masterfully brought together by a technological stroke of genius (by the name of Ted Jones, also in LA). 

Cast and crew preparing for the Church Night Livestream.

But the technology wasn't even the most memorable part of the show (as impressive as it was). The writing and performances perfectly resonated with our current climate of Coronavirus and social-distancing. Let face it, living through a global pandemic is scary as sh*t! But the humor and social commentary of Church Night is the perfect antidote to fear. 

Kathy Piechota, the Youth Minister of Some Souls Church, started the service with her general announcements. She kindly asked the audience to stop praying to the Lord non-stop, all day and all night, because, "The Lord is overloaded. He is so backlogged with prayers that he's having to decide which prayers live and which prayers die." 

The church announcements ended with Kathy and Rev. Bidet taking over a Coronavirus cell and flying it into a volcano. Another technological wonder! A miracle, if you will. 

Personally, I was delighted by the newest segment to premiere on Church Night Livestream, "Faith Facts, with Mayonaise McManus," a hilarious and lovely homage to the 90's SNL sketch "Deep Thoughts, with Jack Handy." 

Rev. Bidet, the Minister of Some Souls Church, spoke about finding hope in these scary times. He reminded us that the Lord will never give us more than we can handle, "But, boy, he'll take you right up to the very edge." 

He spoke about our innate human need to gather, especially in times of fear and uncertainty. "What do we usually do when things are crazy in our world," Rev. Bidet asked. "We go to a dark room, filled to the brim with sweaty strangers and deep house music thumping. Bodies moving against each other, with designer club drugs coursing through our veins. Obviously, I'm talking about church, okay? But we can't do that now!"

And that's the worst part of social-distancing. We're scared. We want to feel comforted by being around our friends, families, and communities. But we can't be together right now! 

BUT WE CAN! 

Because that's EXACTLY what the Church Night Livestream show did for me! It literally brought me together with my community, who were all watching Church Night -- together, at the same time. And I was genuinely comforted! 

Not only did I love the show, but I also loved the "Live Chat" feature on the Church Night YouTube page. When the Reverend told us to shout, "Hallelujah," we could all type, "Hallelujah!" I truly felt like I was in the same room as everyone else in the chat box. It felt like a real community. 

And that's the paradox of Church Night. It's not a real church. But somehow, it creates a real community and real sense of belonging. 

Church Night is at its best when it reflects our very real pain, our very real insecurities, and our very real fears -- and then makes fun of it! Those are the moments when I feel the most connected with all of the Church Night flock.  

Guess what? You, too, can join Kathy, Rev. Bidet, Randy, and the entire Church Night flock, this Saturday, April 25, 2020, at 8:00 PM (Eastern Time), for the next Church Night Livestream.

RSVP for the event on Facebook here -- https://www.facebook.com/events/273639080309982/.

And watch the Livestream here -- https://www.youtube.com/churchnightdc.

Oh, and if you can, make yourself a plate a tater tots before the show. Just trust me.

Wishing you all blessings and light! 

The Magic of "Liminality" in this Global Pandemic

I took my first Anthropology class during my sophomore year at DePauw University. 

Me in college (a total grungy hippie).

I honestly didn't even know what Anthropology was before I took that class. But I fell in love with the study of human cultures and human rituals because of my brilliant and mind-blowing professor, Dr. Lakshmi Fjord (pictured below).

I ended-up taking four different Anthropology classes with Dr. Lakshmi Fjord while at DePauw, and I became an Anthropology minor because of her. And the main lesson I remember from her classes (almost 20 years later) is this: 

All human rites of passage consist of three phases: 

1.) separation, 2.) liminality, and 3.) incorporation. 

And of those three phases, the most scary, and most uncertain, and the most INTERESTING is the phase of LIMINALITY. 

Friends, what we are experiencing RIGHT NOW, in this lock-down, in quarantine, during this global pandemic, is a perfect example of LIMINALITY.  

Image courtesy of https://www.slideserve.com/brinly/ritual-and-rite-of-passage.

Common examples of modern rites of passage include graduations, bar/bat mitzvahs, weddings, etc. 

All of these rituals can be broken down into 1.) the separation phase (when you are physically removed from normal society, usually wearing some kind of costume that is not your normal attire); 2.) the liminal phase (the "betwixt and between," where the "magical transformation" takes place, when you have to speak certain words or perform certain actions in order to safely navigate to other side); and finally 3.) the incorporation phase (where you are reintroduced back into society with a new status).

I can't help but see this global pandemic as a "rite of passage." One, giant, worldwide, common ritual that we are all experiencing at the same time. Allow me to elaborate. 

The separation phase was when we left our offices and schools, and all-but-essential businesses were forced to close. The incorporation phase will be that glorious day when we can all go outside and hug our family, friends, and neighbors again. And that day will be magnificent!  

But we're not there yet. We are fully immersed in the liminal phase right now, and we need to honor and make peace with this magical and mysterious place. 

Liminality is scary because we don't know what's ahead of us. We only know that we can never go back to how it used to be. We are afraid for our lives and for the lives of our loved ones. There is no "normal" anymore. So many things that gave us comfort and a sense of control are no longer there, and we don't know if they are coming back. This is the scariest and most uncertain part of the rite of passage. 

But liminality is also a profound and positive place to be. Liminality is where all of the growth happens. Liminality is where change can happen. Liminality is where roles are reversed, and the powerless become the powerful. Liminality is the great equalizer. 

The honored and revered of this global crisis are the service industry workers, the grocery store workers, the truck drivers, the cleaners, the nurses, the doctors, the bus drivers, and all essential workers and first-responders who don't have the privileged to stay at home and wait for this pandemic to end. They are our heroes and our salvation.  

Their work is hazardous and life-threatening. They should be given every precaution and tool possible to ensure their health and safety. They should all be compensated like KINGS!

Because of the fear and uncertainty of liminality, something else emerges during this phase. New connections are formed. Social barriers come crumbling down. Genuine community is created. We feel more connected to strangers we've never met in person. People feel more free and less inhibited to express their true selves. We become more of who we were all along. We no longer hide behind social expectations, roles, titles, and other labels that divide us. We become one. 

That's what can happen during liminality (and only during liminality!). We discover how strong we really are. We realize how much WE LOVE and how much WE ARE LOVED! 

And that's when the magic happens!

We no longer want to go back to the way things were before. We no longer want to hide behind roles, labels, titles, dress codes, and other "social norms." 

We want to continue to be our stronger, more loving, more authentic selves. We want to continue to consume less and create more. We want to commute less and connect more. We want to FaceTime with our friends and family members every day, and not just once in a while.

We want to spend more time writing, singing, drawing, crafting, etc., and not because it's our job, but because it makes us feel alive!

By the time this global pandemic has run its course, and we are re-incorporated back into a fully-functioning society, I hope and pray that we are a better society.

I hope that we will be a society that takes care our poorest with a universal basic income.

I hope that we will be a society that views health care as a human right, and not merely as a commodity to be bought and sold.

I hope we will become less obsessed with working and shopping.

I hope we will continue to slow down. 

I hope that a new world will be born out of this global pandemic.

I hope you're not overwhelmed with fear (but even if you are, I hope you'll pick up the phone and call me). I hope that you and your loved ones are safe and healthy. I hope that your community and your government will take care of you if you lose your job or if you get sick. 

I hope you are able to embrace this liminal phase. Yes, this is the scary part, but this is also where the good stuff happens. In all human rituals, this is where the magic happens. I'm ready for the magic.